


appetency

by Hopefulwriter



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 14:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16975914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopefulwriter/pseuds/Hopefulwriter
Summary: Jack and Felix grow up together and get -much- closer, so why is Felix trying to date?





	appetency

**Author's Note:**

> This was an angsty blast to write, I honestly really love it!
> 
> And as always I hope you like it and let me know what you think!

~

 

Jack has known Felix since the other had walked into his secondary school class. Felix had been a new student, and had recently moved to the UK from Sweden. Jack remembers thinking that he’d had an unusual accent, it had been strange for his twelve year old mind to wrap his head around. But Jack had grown used to it, his lack of being able to understand the other at first hadn’t dissuaded him from making a new friend.

They had both grown a strong friendship as they had got older. Both of them moving up classes together, or with the other closely behind. Jack had lost some friends because of his relationship with Felix, people turning their noses up at his willingness to spend such an amount of time with the other, but it didn’t phase him, even at that young age he could understand that Felix’s friendship is worth more than narrow- minded others. Those people had tried to bully Felix after realising that Jack wouldn’t give him up that easily, cornering him in the rare times that Jack wasn’t with him. One of those times he had come upon the other having a hard punch in the face, Jack had seen red, pushing the attacker to the ground. He’s not a violent person, normally the one to take a step back and try to diffuse the situation, but in that moment he had seen that as the only way to do so. It had landed him a warning and a nurse pinching Felix's bloody nose, but the bully had got a temporary suspension and a bruised ego for Jacks warning.

They were both older now, had finished school and were in the limbo between going to college. They were both a loss for what course to apply for, so had decided to have a free year to decide. Jack was sort of distracted by his relationship with Felix. Around a year ago they had grown impossibly closer, it had been seamless, the line that they had crossed, it was like a natural progression, like they were boyfriends. Jack loved it, sure it doesn’t have the kissing and as much hand holding as he had thought about, but it was something, an outlet for how he has felt for years and closer than he had imagined he’d get. It makes that closeness even closer with the fact that they share a flat, the fact that they are, most times, only a wall away from each other helps that.

The hand holding is Jack's favourite, the way that their hands magnetise to the other when they are watching a movie on the couch, or using their phones makes him feel all warm inside, the fact that Felix actually wants to do that with him is something that he thinks about a lot.

It all goes wrong on the day that Felix announces that he’s going on a date. Jack had been playing something on the switch when the other had come into the room, Jack looked away from the game to him friend when he had noticed that he was dressed up, Felix was in a shirt that Jack had bought for him because he knew that the blond would look gorgeous in it. And he did, paired with worn jeans it was perfect. Jack had given him a questioning look at what he was wearing and Felix had returned with the fact that he was going out to dinner with someone. The world had stopped, and Jack could only gather his thoughts together enough to numbly wish him a good time, Felix had thanked him and walked out of the door. Jacks mind went blank, but only for a minute, then it works overtime.

When has he met this person? Set a date up? Why did Felix have to wear that shirt? Jack barely has time to talk to anyone else, between spending time with Felix, figuring out what he wants his future to be and working part time jobs to pay the rent, he had no idea how Felix has the time to do that and also find someone go on a date with. But then again, he wasn’t thinking about finding someone else to do those things with, he also thought he was secure in his ‘relationship’ with Felix, he was wrong about that too.

Felix had seemed happy the next time Jack had seen him. The night before he had decided to go to sleep early, not wanting to stay up just for Felix to gush about what a great time he had and to hopefully stop the buzzing of his mind, it hadn’t worked and he had lay awake until the early hours of the morning. So he was decidedly grumpy, the lack of sleep he would have been able to deal with, but that was on a normal day and this was not one of those. He is trying to be in good spirits as he pours his cereal, listening to Felix talk about his date as if Jack had asked him to. Jack puts the box down and resigns himself to the situation. 

Felix is happier than he’s seen him in a while, and he can’t describe how much that hurts. Of course he wants to see the other like that, but he selfishly doesn’t, he wants to have the ability to make Felix that happy, though he can’t, because if he did then Felix wouldn’t be looking for happiness elsewhere.

Felix brings his partner back to the flat, and Jacks mind twists it to make him think that Felix had done so just to get the point across and he rides that train of thought until he has a sour frown on his face. She comes to sit in the armchair opposite from where Jack was sitting on the sofa while Felix goes to get her a drink. Jack watches her covertly, feeling like a jilted ex, which he would be if there was any relationship between him and Felix in the first place. She’s pretty, he supposes, with long blond hair and a soft face, the complete opposite of him in every way, the obvious being her gender, and doesn’t that just hit him where it hurts. 

Felix comes back with two drinks, hands one to her and sits on the couch with his. “Sorry, I didn’t get one for you, I didn’t know what you would want.” Felix apologises, it sounds genuine but his soured by the way he’s looking at her.

Jacks jaw tightens. Felix knows what his favourite is, black coffee, two sugars. But he dismisses the thought with a breath through his nose, and plasters a smile on his face as he says, “s’no problem, don’t worry about it.” 

She gives Felix a pointed look. “This is Mia, I met her at work,” Felix explains, turning to Jack so that he can gauge his expression.

But he won’t find anything past that smile that Jack isn’t even trying to make genuine. “I’ve heard a lot about you, I’m Jack,” he greets, and doesn’t say ‘it’s a pleasure to meet you,’ because it isn’t, the pain in his heart makes sure of that.

“Felix has told me a lot of things about you too,” she smiles.

It’s horribly awkward, so he picks himself up and goes to his room with the intent to give them privacy, really he just wants some time to shut himself away before he can see them hold hands or kiss. It hits him then that he’s never going to be able to hold Felix's hand like he used to, not when he has a girlfriend to do that with, and it feels like his heart has opened up into a black hole, trying and failing to suck his feelings for Felix into it.

She spends a lot more time in their flat after that, and in turn Jack spends increasing amounts of time in his room. Felix doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does he hasn’t said anything, more worried about spending time with his girlfriend. Jacks mind has turned bitter, but any time he thinks bad of Felix it doesn’t last long, turning back on himself and his inadequacies for the other in the end. He hasn’t cried about it yet but the first time he walks out to find them leaned into each other for a kiss he takes himself back to his room with purposeful strides and locks the door, sitting on the edge of his bed and lets the dam of emotion burst.

Jack has decided to take a drastic step. He had been wallowing in self pity when he had the idea to get away from the flat. So he looked up new ones, at first it was out of curiosity and then when he realised there were some that were near and in his price range. He felt guilty that he wanted to run away from his friend and the flat that they live in together, but sooner or later Felix is going to want his own place. Felix is going to leave him behind eventually, so why not leave before the other breaks his heart more. He probably won’t mind as much as Jack would in that situation, and he’ll realise the benefits in the end. 

He started saving money and working double shifts, he didn’t think Felix would notice but it seemed he had. There was a rare day that Mia wasn’t around, it was a nice chance for a breather, for him to collect his thoughts and have as clear of a head as he could get at the moment. He was going to sit in the living room, since he scarcely felt like he wanted to subject himself to being in the couples space. Felix looked at him strangely as he gets comfortable on the plush sofa. “What are you looking at me like that for?” Jack asks, crease forming between his brows.

“I don’t know, but you’ve been acting strange recently. Why is that?” Felix returns, suspicious.

“I’m just tied up with work,” Jack says, excuse sounding weak even to himself.

“Yeah, I noticed that you have been gone a lot more than normal for that too.” Felix sounds casual but Jack can hear the interrogation in his tone.

“I just want to be able to save some more money before college, that’s all.” Jack half lies, yes saving for that reason would be good, but hopefully he’ll have time for that after he buys the flat.

Felix scrutinises him, and Jack realises that this is closer than they’ve been in weeks. “I can tell that you’re lying to me right now though,” Felix says, and Jack feels annoyed that the other still knows him so well. And yet he didn’t know that Felix wanted more than him.

That leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “Mm, I’ve been thinking about giving you two more space.” It feels strange talking to Felix like this.

“What do you mean?” Felix frowns.

Jack sighs. “I’ve been looking at other flats, I think it would be better for all of us, you don’t want me to be the roommate spoiling all your fun,” He smiles shakily, feeling pained.

Felix's face crumbles. “But you’re more than just my roommate,” ‘if only that was true,’ Jack thinks, “I like you being here,” Felix says earnestly.

Jack huffs a breath through his nose, trying to steel himself for what he’s about to say. “You’ll both want to be alone eventually, she’ll get tired of me taking your time away from her, and she should be.” 

“But you’re my friend, you don’t need to leave.” Felix pleads.

“Whether you realise it or not you’ll need to have a chance to live alone together, to do coupley things, and I want to give you that.” Jack finishes, feeling steadfast but weak. The subject is dropped even with Felix trying to say more.

Even between things that occupy him Jack notices that Mia has stopped coming to their place, it’s strange, but not unwelcome and he feels guilty that he’s thinking that way, but he hopes he’s allowed to be selfish until he moves out. It dawns on him one day that Felix must have asked her not to come over as a way of trying to keep Jack from leaving, and Jack won’t let him do that, won’t let Felix give him false hope that it can all go back to normal, when it can’t.

“Hey, why’s Mia not been coming round recently?” Jack asks one morning.

Something comes over Felix's face. “She’s been here a lot lately, I think she just wanted her own space for a while.”

“I think that you’re trying to get me to stay, keep her out until I’ve changed my mind.” 

Felix sighs, “yes, that was my plan at first, cuz I can’t just let you go that easy.”

Jacks eyes slant. “Why? I’ll have to get out of your hair eventually.” 

Felix reaches a hand up to scratch his cheek. “We had a fight, and she questioned why I was willing to do this for you and asked me whether I was willing to give her up for you, I said if she was making me choose then I want you. You’re my best friend.” 

Jacks eyes widen in surprise. “But you’ll need to be on your own in the end, a chance to settle down.”

Felix huffs a laugh. “But that’s the thing, her leaving for a while made me realise that I was just filling the void for you with her. I’d traded your contact for hers and I didn’t know how much I missed It until it was gone. And by the time I’d realised I was already stuck, you’d made your choice to leave. I don’t even know if this is what you want, if you just wanted to leave anyway, but, yeah,” Felix finishes weakly, spilling all of the things that seem to have been in his mind for awhile.

“I thought we were boyfriends. You know that?” Jack asks, and Felix furrowing his brow gives him his answer. Jack puffs out a humourless laugh. “With all the hand holding and the closeness, I’d fooled myself into thinking we were together, I should have known that we weren’t by the fact that we’d never kissed, that we were only just close friends.”

“So that’s why-” Felix bursts, Jack nods solemnly. “Fuck, that’s why you want to leave, you’re trying to protect yourself because I’ve hurt you so much already. I’m so sorry.” 

Jack shakes his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it, you would never have known. But you are actually thinking about being together now?” Jack inquires.

“Yeah, if you would even still want to after everything,” Felix checks, not wanting to push the other into anything if Jack doesn’t feel the same anymore.

“If I’m really getting the real deal this time,” Jack warns, not wanting to feel let down again.

Felix laughs, “of course.”

Jack smiles, then gets a scheming look on his face. “I think I should change the fact that we haven’t kissed yet, what do you think?” He asks rhetorically.

Felix hums then crowds in closer, trapping Jack between his arms either side of him. Jack feels cosy and safe in the tight space, and leans in to give Felix a quick peck on the mouth, not knowing how much the other would be comfortable with. Felix thinks he can do better than that, so he moves in and gives the other a kiss that makes Jacks head dizzy.

When they pull away Jack admits in a low voice, “I love you, i think I always have.”

Felix smiles softly, “good.” And laughs like the little shit he is as Jack mock frustratingly pushes him away roughly.

 

~

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s it! Kudos and comments are always appreciated, and come give me ideas on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Hopefulwriter_) or alternatively on [Tumblr](https://hopeful--writer.tumblr.com)
> 
> And I hope you have an awesome day/night!


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